Use four listening skills to trace the other person’s path to action (AMPP). Start with an attitude of curiosity and patience. To have a constructive conversation, you need to encourage, listen to, and understand others’ views. Encourage testing: Proactively seek opposing views, so you can test your theory against additional information.State your story as a story (your opinion), not a fact. Ask for others’ paths: Encourage others to share both their facts and their stories.Tell your story: Explain what you’re beginning to conclude.
#Crucial conversations workbook full
Also, make sure you’re telling yourself the full story, and haven’t omitted any facts to justify your reaction. Negative interpretations lead to negative feelings and then to unproductive actions.īut we can change our emotions by rethinking our stories, or retracing our path from our feelings and actions back to the incident that prompted them: notice your behavior, identify your feelings, analyze the story creating your feelings, and go back to facts (ask yourself, what evidence you have to support your story, and whether the facts might support a different story or conclusion). These stories are our interpretations of what we saw and/or heard. Our emotions are generated by “stories” we tell ourselves when someone does or says something. What I do want is to be able to talk so we understand each other better.” Control Your Emotions Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (the do part).Īn example of contrasting in a couple’s conversation: “I don’t want to suggest that this problem is yours.Addresses others’ concerns that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose.Contrasting is a don’t/do statement that: When you need to repair a misunderstanding to restore respect, you can use the skill of contrasting. Brainstorm new strategies (with a clear mutual purpose).Invent a mutual purpose (if you’re still at odds).Recognize the purpose behind the strategy (ask people why they want what they’re pushing for).Commit to seek a mutual purpose (commit to stay in dialogue until finding something that satisfies everyone).You need to clarify or rebuild mutual purpose if your motives and goals, or someone else’s, seem to be suspect. When you learn to handle crucial conversations effectively, the quality of your relationships and your effectiveness in your career will improve dramatically, and you’ll be able to help get everybody what they want. After this book, you’ll be able to talk to anyone about virtually any topic, no matter how sensitive. Moreover, we often deliberately avoid having these conversations because we’re afraid we’ll make matters worse.Ĭrucial Conversations teaches you an array of dialogue principles and practical skills, explained and demonstrated through numerous examples. When this happens, little progress is made, and resentment builds. These stressful conversations can rapidly go awry, with people behaving at their worst - yelling at each other and sniping sarcastically, or on the other side going silent and withdrawing.
Poorly handling crucial conversations - discussions with high stakes, different opinions, and strong emotions - is the cause of many of our most painful problems in work and home life.
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